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FADE UP ON:
INTERIOR - SURGEONS' LOUNGE
as JERRY ENTERS, wearing surgical scrubs. He drops down into a chair and buries his face behind a Wall Street Journal.
DOORWAY
as VINCE, the hospital director, BURSTS INTO THE LOUNGE.
VINCE
(angry)
Jerry! Is that you!
JERRY
(lowers paper)
The director of our hallowed temple of healing seems upset.
(raises paper)
JERRY
You just did the Bartholomew leg amputation! Jeffrey Bartholomew!
JERRY
Fast and clean.
VINCE
Glad to hear it. There's only one problem.
JERRY
You're right. IBM is down five and an eighth.
VINCE
Mr. Bartholomew wasn't Mr. Bartholomew. Mr. Bartholomew was Mrs. Sartowski! Gladys Sartowski! Some idiot switched the charts!
JERRY
It's hard to get good help these days, Vince.
VINCE
She was scheduled for a hysterectomy and you cut her leg off!
JERRY
That explains it.
VINCE
Explains what, for Christ's sake!
JERRY
(lowers paper)
Why Mr. Bartholomew had ruby-red toenail polish.
(raises paper)
VINCE
God damn it, Jerry! The feces are about to hit the fan around here!
JERRY
Like some advice?
VINCE
What!
JERRY
(lowers paper)
Pop a Prozac...
(raises paper)
...and pick up 300 shares of Louisville Electric and Gas.
VINCE
Shit! You're a big fucking help! She can sue us for millions! Millions!
JERRY
Fat chance. There are Red Cross first-aid stations with more insurance than this meat locker has.
VINCE
You better make damn sure your malpractice is paid up!
JERRY
Christ! Pork belly futures are on a roll!
VINCE
Ass hole!
jJERRY
(lowering paper)
Temper, temper. What about our microsurgery team? Maybe they can sew it back on.
(raises paper)
VINCE
Jesus! I never thought of that!
He rushes to phone and punches in an extension.
VINCE: [ctd}
Pathology? This is Dr. Herman. Have you got a leg down there? (PAUSE) Yes! A leg! A leg with red toenail polish!
JERRY
(lowers paper)
Ruby red, Vince.
(raises paper)
VINCE
(still on phone)
Herman! Herman! Dr. Vincent Herman! I'm the hospital director, you clod! Have you got the leg or not! (PAUSE) Okay! Okay! Good! Get it back up to the surgical suite! Stat! (PAUSE) Don't you give me any of that "Dr. Frankenstein" shit, you wise ass I'll have your job! You hear me! Just get that leg up there! Use the emergency elevator! Move!
Slams down the phone BUT IT RINGS and he PICKS IT UP
What! (SUDDENLY RESTRAINED) Now, just wait a minute Harry I can explain everything. Yes. Well, charts got mixed up. It happens. Yes, switched. (PAUSE) Now c'mon, Harry! That's not called for, here. I've got enough problems without that! That's not very funny!
(slams down phone)
Shit! That was Harry Olmstead. Obstetrics. He says he's got a woman on the table with the biggest pair of balls he's ever seen! The arrogant bastard said we should call the Guinness Book of Records!
JERRY
Did he get the uterus out?
VINCE
(leaving)
Swine!
JERRY
(lowering paper)
C'mon, Vince. Don't go away mad. Everybody makes a mistake now and then.
VINCE
(turns and sticks his index finger up)
Suck on this, you incompetent prick! I'll have your license!
(exits)
Jerry runs to the door and yells down the hall
Mumbling as he crosses to the phone
Bloody hospital directors. No sense of humor.
(dials a number)
Hi, honey. (PAUSE) I'm fine. How're the kids? (PAUSE) Oh, you know... Just another routine day, nothing special. Listen, Marge, there's something I'd like you t'do right away. Go online and close out all our E-trade positions. (PAUSE) Right. Everything. The whole portfolio and transfer the dough to our bank. (PAUSE) Please, sweetheart, not now. Okay? All will be explained, later. I promise. Okay? (PAUSE) Good. You know something? I was thinking about a vacation. You bet. The whole family. (PAUSE) Sure. All of us. We're overdue. Right? (PAUSE) Well, how about Bolivia? (PAUSE) Yes, Bolivia. (PAUSE) Why? Well, they don't have an extradition treaty with the U.S. (PAUSE) Kiss, kiss, honey. See you soon.
FADE OUT
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