MARTHA
Jesus, Frank! A sex club was not the ideal place to try and defend my virtue!
(reaching out)
Let me see that eye. Is it bleeding?
FRANK
(turning away)
Just leave me alone! Okay? Forget it! Just forget it!
MARTHA
Oh, God, Frank! I said I was sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
(pause)
I don't know what got into me.
FRANK
Three guys is what got into you, Martha! Three complete strangers screwed your ass off! You were an animal! A god damn animal!
MARTHA
Animal! Who was it that spent the last three months trying to get me to go to that sex club in the first place?
(imitating Frank)
"It will restore our sex life, Martha." "It will save our marriage, Martha." "It will unleash your repressed sensuality, Martha."
(end imitation)
Well...it was unleashed.
FRANK
"Unleashed!" Jesus! That is the fucking understatement of the fucking year! I wish you could'a seen yourself, Martha! My God! Grunting and groaning! Moaning and sobbing! Incredible! You sounded like...like mating season at the zoo!
MARTHA
You've never been to the zoo, Frank.
FRANK
You never acted like that with me!
MARTHA
For Christ's sake, Frank! Is that all you did all night! Watch me? What happened to that redhead with the big tits. The one we met by the douche dispenser. She was coming on, Frank. She was definitely coming on and she was interested. So? What happened? I thought you liked her.
FRANK
(uncomfortable)
Nothing happened.
MARTHA
All evening? Nothing? The whole time, nothing!
FRANK
Drop it, Martha. Okay? Just drop it!
MARTHA
Three months of psyching me up for how great it's going to be. And nothing?
FRANK
Okay, nothing! So what.
(awkwardly)
I just couldn't get in the mood. That's all there was to it. I couldn't get in the mood. So, let's forget it!
MARTHA
(drops down into a chair)
Oh, my God! My poor baby! You mean you couldn't get it up? Is that it? You couldn't get it up?
FRANK
All right, Martha! That's enough, now! Just...just knock it off!
MARTHA
Oh, Jesus, Frank! And all the time I thought you were off somewhere getting laid.
FRANK
Is that what you thought! Great! Did you ever bother to find out? Did you ever once look around to see what I was doing? No! Oh, no! You were too busy stuffing yourself with stiff meat!
MARTHA
What the hell was I supposed to be doing! Hanging out at the dildo concession? Shit, Frank, it was a sex club! Remember! People fuck each other in sex clubs! That's what they do! It was where you wanted t'go! What you wanted t'do! According to you the whole idea was to experience...what did you call it?.. "New plateaus of sensory enrichment." Isn't that what you said?
FRANK
(turning away)
Yeah, well, maybe it wasn't such a hot idea.
MARTHA
Now who's making understatements! Dear God! You come charging into the waterbed room, while that perfectly nice man is going down on me, and you start punching him out! You're a hostile person, Frank! A very hostile, angry person! You have absolutely no sense of style or fair play. Hitting a man when he's down.
FRANK
I don't believe this!
MARTHA
Do you know what I think, Frank? I think you thought I was going to just sit quietly on the sidelines -- like, like Vivian Voyeur -- and watch you get laid. Was that it, Frank? Was that it!
(imitates a circus barker)
Hurry, hurry, hurry! Step right up, folks! For your entertainment and enlightenment we proudly present, right here on the center mattress, Frank the Frenzied Fucking Machine! Guaranteed to dazzle and delight you with his legendary repertoire of pneumatic box banging, groin grinding moves! And, cheering him on is his admiring and faithful wife, Martha. Standing by with a large box of ribbed condoms and a stack of clean towels!
(end of imitation)
FRANK
Jesus Christ, Martha! Give me a break, here! Okay, it was a mistake! I admitted it was a mistake! Now lay off! Forget it! Please!
MARTHA
There's something you should know, Frank.
FRANK
(pouring himself a drink)
Oh, shit! Not now, Martha. Please, not now.
MARTHA
You know those books you're always reading? The one on "Sensual Awareness and Awakening?" That one on "Sharing in the Mature Relationship?"
FRANK
So?
MARTHA
They're all bullshit, Frank! All I ever wanted from you was a good, solid, hard, no nonsense jack-hammer fuck! And all I ever get is a sensitivity seminar!
FRANK
Martha!
MARTHA
For fifteen years I've been putting up with your tedious crap about extended foreplay, deferred orgasms, and erogenous zone identification. And it has bored my butt off!
(starts low, and builds)
I want it fast and I want it often. And I want it without conscience, commitment, or complications! And if you can't get it off by the time I'm finished... tough shit! And I'll tell you something else, lover. After I finish coming I don't want anymore of your goddamn wimpy post-fuck rap sessions!
(imitating frank)
"Was it good, dear?" "Did I satisfy you, sweetheart?" "Tell me what you were thinking while we were doing it, honey."
(end of imitation)
I'll tell you what I think about, Frank! I'm thinking, "When will this asshole shut up so I can get some sleep!" That's what I think about!
(Frank's jaw is hanging down)
Oh, for Christ's sake, Frank. Don't just sit there with your wounded lover look.
FRANK
No! Wrong, Martha! Wrong, wrong, wrong! This is my "interested lover" look.
MARTHA
It is?
FRANK
Oh, yeah, honey. Yeah! How come you never talked like that before? I mean it's great! I love it! I'm getting some serious crotch vibes, here!
MARTHA
You're not.
FRANK
(eagerly)
Oh, yes! Say some more things, honey!
MARTHA
What things?
FRANK
You know. Hard, raunchy things.
MARTHA
What did I say that was raunchy?
FRANK
Shit! For a minute I thought we really had something going, here.
(thinks)
I've got it! Write it down! Write it all down!
MARTHA
Write what down?
FRANK
Lewd, lascivious things! You know.
MARTHA
And then what?
FRANK
Then..well...you read them out loud. When we're doing it.
MARTHA
You're not well, Frank.
FRANK
But it takes planning, honey. You gotta work at it! Coming up with real, hot, first class dirt is no job for amateurs, babe! Believe me! But you've got the makings of a real pro, honey! You could be one'a the greats! Trust me on this one!
MARTHA
Haven't you heard anything I said, Frank?
FRANK
God, yes! And I loved it!
(brings over a pad and pencil)
Now you start writing. Okay. Let it all hang out, honey! Don't hold back. I'll go into the bedroom and, you know, get ready.
MARTHA
You'll get ready?
FRANK
(crossing to bedroom door)
Dig for it, honey! Dig for it!
(pounds his stomach)
I want it right from your guts, doll! Down deep! Deep inside! Deep!
(clenched teeth)
I want you should knock me out with some real heavyweight, postgraduate, foul-mouth filth!
MARTHA
Frank, for God's sake!
FRANK
I'll be waiting, baby! I'll be waiting!
