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FADE UP ON:
REVEREND'S STUDY
as an unhappy JOHN and MARSHA enter. The REVEREND looks up from his bible and rises from behind his desk to greet them.
REVEREND
(unctuous enthusiasm)
John! Marsha! Come in, my children! Come in! So good to see you both!
JOHN
(shaking hands)
Hello, Reverend.
MARSHA
Reverend . . .
REVEREND
(gesturing)
Well, please sit down. Please.
(all sit)
I was so sorry to learn, children, that your marriage seems to have run into . . . uh . . . traumatic tuberosities?
JOHN
Yeah . . . Well, whatever you call it, Reverend, it's not working. And we've just about decided that divorce is the only answer.
REVEREND
Ah, but John, as our good and brilliant Bishop has so often said, and I quote:
(waggling index finger)
"Ostensibus ubermacht embarcadero sublimatus est."
MARSHA
Uh, excuse me, Reverend? But just what is that supposed t'mean?
REVEREND
Ahhhhh ... Well, unfortunately, no one is quite sure exactly what it means, my dear. But the Bishop says it frequently, so it must be something of preponderant significity.
JOHN
Look, Reverend, I don't want you t'think that - you know - we don't appreciate your offer t'see us. T'try and help us work things out, and so forth. But, well, we've pretty much made up our minds. We just can't make it together anymore. It happens. That's the bottom line and it's time t'move on.
REVEREND
Outstanding, young John! Outstanding! I have found, however, that in times of carbivirous crisis ... we must never fail to be guided by . . .
(slaps his Bible)
. . . the Boly Hook!
(picks it up)
JOHN
The what?
REVEREND
(waving Bible)
It is here, my children, right here that we can find the answers to all the manifold polymorphic perplexities of our prime.
(stands and opens bible, pacing and waving as he reads)
Just listen, my children, listen to what the Book of Daniel has to say about marital distention. And, I quote: Chapter six, verse sixteen: "And they brought forth Daniel and cast him into the den of lions. Now, the King spoke and said unto Daniel . . .
(continues silently mouthing scripture as John and Marsha argue)
JOHN
You keep the Jack Lalanne membership! But I get the beach-club cabana!
JOHN continues silently mouthing the argument as the REVEREND SPEAKS
REVEREND
" . . . and when he came to the den he cried out, with a lamentable voice...
Now THE REVEREND continues mouthing as MARSHA SPEAKS
MARSHA
(patting her rump)
Kiss this, honey! I have as much right to that cabana as you do!
(continues mouthing)
REVEREND
(flipping pages)
And yet again, we look to the profound varicose visions of Saint Mark to guide us. "And James and John, the sons of Zebedee, came unto him saying . . .
(continues mouthing)
MARSHA
The Mickey Mouse telephone! Oh, no you don't you bastard! That was a Christmas present to me. From my Uncle Harry!
JOHN
Okay, keep the goddamn rodent! But I get the VCR collection!
MARSHA
Like hell you do! Jesus! I started that before we even met!
JOHN
Oh, yeah! Let me tell you something . . .
(continues mouthing)
REVEREND
" . . . he that cometh in the name of the Lord, rejoice . . .
(continues mouthing)
MARSHA
. . . because I bought two Clint Eastwoods and one John Travolta! And they're mine!
JOHN
The next thing I know you'll tell me you want the color TV!
(continues mouthing)
REVEREND
(flipping pages)
And now, my children, hear the words of the granulated gospel according to Saint Luke. And, I quote: "Verily I say unto you . . .
(continues mouthing)
MARSHA
I get the microwave!
(continues mouthing)
REVEREND
" . . . and certain of the Pharisees came unto him, saying . . .
(continues mouthing)
JOHN
Screw that, kid! The silverware came from my family, baby! My family!
MARSHA
Avaricious prick!
REVEREND
" . . . and it came to pass . . .
(continues mouthing)
JOHN
Arrogant cunt!
REVEREND
" . . . and Cain said unto Abel . . .
(continues mouthing)
MARSHA
Pompous fuck!
REVEREND
(lowering the Bible)
And finally, my children there is, of course . . .
(jowl shaking)
. . . the grrreeaatt chromatic question.
JOHN
The what?
REVEREND
Well, should you decide to divorce . . .
JOHN/MARSHA
We've decided!!
REVEREND
. . . what about the children?
MARSHA
(had forgotten)
Oh, shit!
JOHN
You really know how t'hurt a guy, Reverend.
REVEREND
You do have three lovely children I believe?
MARSHA
Oh, yeah. Well . . .
JOHN
(suddenly sweet)
You know something, honey. I was just remembering all the times when you and I talked about how essential it is for young children to have a mother's warmth and affection. Right, Reverend?
REVEREND
(flipping pages)
Hmmmm ... Let's see what Proverbs has to say about that ...
MARSHA
Oh, no sweetheart. No, no, no. I couldn't think of it. Why you're the most precious and important thing in their lovely little lives. They're always telling me how much they miss you when you're away.
JOHN
(more urgent)
Yeah, well, I'm sure they do, cupcake. I'm sure they do. And I miss them. But this is different. I couldn't think of depriving you of the joy of raising your children.
MARSHA
(more insistent)
Oh, no, you don't! Not so fast! What kids need is a strong male role model. All the books say so! Right, Reverend? Right!
REVEREND
(flipping pages)
Uhhhh ... Well, let's see what Isiah has to say about that ...
JOHN
(getting angry)
I want you to have the kids! You understand. It's the least I can do! I insist!
MARSHA
(standing)
If you want t'do something, let's talk about the Jacuzzi! I suppose you think you're getting that!
JOHN
(standing)
I'll tell you what I think, goddamn it!
(they continue mouthing at each other)
REVEREND
Fortunately, my children, I can tell you what our divine and diuretic bishop always says during moments of monomonacular misunderstanding. And, I quote . . .
BLACKOUT ON CHORD HIT
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