FADE UP ON
INT. THE CARDINAL'S STUDY
to find THE CARDINAL, BACK TO THE CAMERA, looking out the window. Body language suggests he is impatient and upset. KNOCK ON THE DOOR DOORWAY as the CARDINAL'S SECRETARY enters. PRIEST
Excuse me, Eminence. But Father Francis Xavier O'Flaherty is here for his appointment. CARDINAL
(ominous note)
Ahhhh. Is he? Is he, indeed.
(swings around)
Then get him in here! PRIEST
Yes, Eminence.
CARDINAL'S SECRETARY EXITS as the CARDINAL STARTS PACING. A moment later, the DOOR OPENS and the SECRETARY announces O'Flaherty. PRIEST
Father O'Flaherty, your Eminence.
O'FLAHERTY CROSSES to the Cardinal, kneels and kisses his ring. O'FLAHERTY
(rising)
This is a great honor, Eminence. A great honor. May I say how delighted I am to see you looking so well. CARDINAL
Fortunately for you, Father, I don't look the way I feel. Or you would find before you an apparition so terrifying that the devil himself would be a radiant relief.
O'FLAHERTY with a STRAINED GRIN. Not sure if the Cardinal is serious. CARDINAL
Ahhhh... You think perhaps I'm "putting you on" eh, Father?.
(turns and stalks to the window)
Well ... permit us to enlighten you, Francis. This morning, we received a visit from ...
(spins around to face the priest)
... Sister Luke! O'FLAHERTY
(feigning ignorance, but guilty as hell)
Sister ... uh ... Luke? CARDINAL
Don't you stand there and play the dumb innocent with me O'Flaherty! You know exactly who I mean! She told me all about your...
(searching for the words)
... your carnal interlude in the organ loft. O'FLAHERTY
Oh, no! CARDINAL
Oh, yes! And I can assure you, father, that no detail was overlooked as our dear Sister-in-Christ provided an exceptionally detailed description of your pneumatic enthusiasm! O'FLAHERTY
As God is my witness, Eminence, I swear to you it wasn't all my fault! It... It… CARDINAL
Your choice of a witness is inappropriate. O'FLAHERTY
You don't know her, Eminence! You don't know how she can be! She ... she wouldn't leave me alone! Day, after day, after day! She kept after me, and after me! She was temptation incarnate, Eminence! Temptation incarnate! And the things she said! The words she used! The promises she made! Incredible! CARDINAL
So it seems. O'FLAHERTY
I tried not to listen. I... I fought! Oh, how I fought Eminence! Time and time again I said "Get thee behind me!" "Get thee behind me!" But, finally, well, the flesh can be weak, Eminence. So terribly weak! CARDINAL
But yours rose to the occasion? O'FLAHERTY
She...she...
(turns away, it's too horrible) CARDINAL
She what? Well, out with it man! She what? O'FLAHERTY
She showed me a ... one of those...those adult videos. CARDINAL
(turns away, trying to hide delighted surprise)
Oh... She did, did she. O'FLAHERTY
Yes. But, but it was just that one time! Just once! And I swore I'd never see her again! Never! Please believe me!
(falling to his knees)
I'm so ashamed, Eminence! So terribly ashamed! So unworthy! Forgive me! Please! Hear my confession! Please! CARDINAL
(mock applause)
Encore, padre, encore. I tell you I have not, in my forty years with this church, ever met anyone who actually said, "Get thee behind me!" Are you sure you're a seminary graduate? I'm beginning to think you came to me from central casting. And now, for God's sake and mine, please rise.
A shaken O'FLAHERTY RISES as the CARDINAL CROSSES to a table and POURS A GLASS OF SHERRY from a crystal decanter. CARDINAL (CTD)
Sherry, Father?
(O'Flaherty shakes his head as the Cardinal pours)
Being so irresistible must be a heavy burden for you, Father. A heavy burden, indeed. But frankly ...
(sips his sherry)
... I don't give a devil's damn who got under whose robe, first. O'FLAHERTY
(amazed)
You ... you don't? CARDINAL
I do not. Come now, Francis. Please indicate that you have some modest knowledge of current affairs and the world we live in. You must know that if I called in every priest and nun, who let their glands overpower their God, we'd have a line around the block out there! O'FLAHERTY
But I ... I thought that ...that... CARDINAL
(quietly)
Tell me something, Father. Have you any idea what Sister Luke's name was? Before she took her final vows? O'FLAHERTY
Why, uh, no. No, Eminence I don't. CARDINAL
How does ... Constanza Bonafacci sound? O'FLAHERTY
Well, uh ... It sounds ... It sounds Italian, Eminence. Quite Italian. CARDINAL
Ohhhh, that's quite perceptive, Francis. Very good. And suppose I tell you, now, that her father's name is ... Alfonso Bonafacci. Does that generate any associations? O'FLAHERTY
Uh ... No ... No, I'm afraid not, Eminence. Should I, uh, know him? CARDINAL
Oh, dear God, but you're a dim tool O'Flaherty! Then let me give you another clue. Let me tell you the name by which he is affectionately known to the Federal Bureau of Investigation.
(a sip of sherry)
Don Alfonso, Big Al, "Ice Pick" Bonafacci. O'FLAHERTY
That Bonafacci! Oh, sweet Jesus! I had no idea. I swear to you I didn't know! How could I have known about that! I didn't know!
(crossing himself several times)
God help me, Eminence! CARDINAL
I don't believe God will be inclined to help you at the moment, Father. But, perhaps I can. O'FLAHERTY
Zimbabwe, Eminence! Send me to our mission in Zimbabwe! I'm ready to leave. Immediately! CARDINAL
I'm sure you are, Francis. I'm sure you are. But ... I need you here. O'FLAHERTY
Then I'm a dead man! CARDINAL
Perhaps not. Sister Luke assures me she hasn't told her father anything ...(PAUSE) ...Yet. O'FLAHERTY
May the saints be praised! CARDINAL
Yes. Well, I'm sure they appreciate your recognition, Francis. But, before you launch into any extended liturgical recitations, I must tell you that your position remains – shall we say – somewhat precarious. O'FLAHERTY
Tell me what I can do, Eminence. Anything! I'll do anything you say! Anything! CARDINAL
All in good time, Francis, all in good time. But first, a few questions. Tell me, have you had occasion to pass our Saint Vincent's Medical Center lately? O'FLAHERTY
Why ... uh ... no. No, I don´t think I have Eminence. CARDINAL
Ahhhh, too bad. Then you haven't seen our new addition. A very imposing and expensive pavilion that carries the inscription, in large letters ...
(with a wave of his sherry glass) ...
"The Alfonso Bonafacci Trauma Center!" O'FLAHERTY
Trauma center? CARDINAL
Precisely so. And what about the cathedral? Have you been there lately, Father? O'FLAHERTY
Well, I've been meaning to Eminence. I really have. But, with all the duties of my parish I, uh ... CARDINAL
Of course, of course. Well, then. You haven't experienced our new, two million dollar, central heating and air-conditioning system. A gift from...
(gesturing again)
... the "Bonafacci Climate Control Corporation!" O'FLAHERTY
(weakly)
Oh, no ... CARDINAL
Oh, yes. And suppose I tell you, now, about an important new project that Don Alfonso and I are planning, Francis. It will be known as ..."The Bonafacci Retreat for Substance Dependent Jesuits!" What would you say to that? O'FLAHERTY
God bless Alfonso Bonafacci! CARDINAL
Well and truly said, Father. Well and truly said. My sentiments, exactly. And now, back to our good Sister Luke. O'FLAHERTY
But. Eminence, you said...you said her father doesn't know anything. CARDINAL
I said, also, that he doesn´t know anything..."yet." I don't know exactly how to put this delicately, Francis. But while you seek divine amnesty for your lacivious transgressions, it seems that our gentle Sister Luke is praying for manifestations of a ...how shall I say this?... manifestations of a more rigid and penetrating nature. And, while divine absolution can take a lifetime, Sister Luke's requirements can be answered far more expeditiously. Assuming, of course, I can continue to count on your firm cooperation. O'FLAHERTY
(puzzled)
Well, of course Eminence, of course. I'll do anything you say. Anything. It's just that, well, I'm not exactly sure ... I mean, I uh... CARDINAL
Good God, man! Do I have to draw you a picture! Show you another video?
(intense and building)
Look, Francis, it's really very simple. Very, very simple. Either you continue to meet with Sister Luke, to service and satisfy her lubricious appetites, or she has threatened to go to her father and tell him everything. In which case you will, indeed, be a dead man. And my construction plans for this archdiocese will be limited to summer lemonade stands! O'FLAHERTY
(can't believe it)
But ... but, Eminence! Why, why you're asking me to ... to ... CARDINAL
(arm over O'Flaherty's shoulder)
I know, Francis, I know. I understand your confusion and hesitation. It speaks well of you, my son. Very well, indeed. And I know I ask a great deal of you. It's a demanding, repetitious task. But God, and this archdiocese, are served in many ways, Father. Many, many, many ways. O'FLAHERTY
(still doubtful)
Well, yes, Eminence, I understand that. But ... but, well, how will this seem in the eyes of God? CARDINAL
Well, let me answer your question with one of my own. How does the sound of (another wave of his sherry glass)
"Monsigneur" O'Flaherty seem to you, Francis? O'FLAHERTY
Ohhhhh. Well, Eminence, when you put it that way ... CARDINAL
Outstanding, Francis! Outstanding! I knew we could reach an accommodation.
SOUND: KNOCK ON THE DOOR DOORWAY as the CARDINAL'S SECRETARY enters. PRIEST
Alfonso Bonafacci is on the phone, Eminence.
THE CARDINAL and O'FLAHERTY exchange glances as the cardinal crosses to the phone and picks it up. O'FLAHERTY
(mumbling)
Oh, my God! It's too late! CARDINAL
(with phone)
Hello, Big Al! How good to hear from you! You won't believe it, but I was just this very minute thinking about you.
O'FLAHERTY sinks to the floor on his knees. Mumbling Hail Mary´s as he fingers his crucifix beads. O'FLAHERTY
Hail Mary, full of grace...
CARDINAL
(on phone)
Really? Congratulations, Al! (PAUSE) Oh, no! But you've done so much already! O'FLAHERTY
Blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus ... CARDINAL Excuse me for one minute, Al ...
(hand over mouthpiece)
Stop that mumbling, O'Flaherty! Big Al has just started the "Bonafacci Plumbing Supply Company." And he wants to give us one of those, those whirlpool Jacuzzi machines. That's all there is to it.
(extending his ring hand)
Now get up and get out of here!
A much relieved O'FLAHERTY waddles over to the CARDINAL on his knees and starts KISSING HIS RING. O'FLAHERTY
May angles minister unto you!
(kiss, kiss)
May Cherubims and Seraphims watch over you!
(kiss, kiss)
May all the hosts of heaven sing your praises!
(kiss, kiss) CARDINAL
(impatiently)
Yes, yes, yes, Father. We thank you for your good words, kind thoughts, and prolific prayers! Now, will you please get the hell out of here and back to your organ loft! O'FLAHERTY
(rising)
How can I ever repay you, Eminence? CARDINAL
By making sure I never see or hear from you, or Sister Luke, again! Now good-bye, Father! O'FLAHERTY
(reminding him)
"Monsignor," Eminence? CARDINAL
Yes, yes, yes! Of course, "Monsignor."
(waving him away)
Now, please! For God's sake, and mine, out! Out!
O'FLAHERTY EXITS and THE CARDINAL resumes his phone conversation. CARDINAL (CTD)
(with phone)
Sorry to keep you waiting, Al. I was just saying good-bye to one of our more...more active young priests. Now, about this whirlpool device. It sounds delightful. Is there any choice of colors?
CUT TO BLACK | 
